I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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