oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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