Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
