One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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