I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
