i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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