Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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