So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
