I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
