ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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