..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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