she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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