I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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