1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
