They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
