kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
