I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
