she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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