The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I wear drunk well.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
