And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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