Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize