The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
