Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Randomize
