In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I look better un-naked...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
