There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
