I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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