She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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