If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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