She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
