Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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