So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
