Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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