Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
