i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
