im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize