Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
