i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
