He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
