I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
