Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize