So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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