cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
