No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
