So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
