just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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