One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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