We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
do herpes really smell.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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