dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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