I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
