so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
