we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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