just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
