I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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