Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Too much gin, very little bucket
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
