you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The uberlube is also flammable
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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