I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
