so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize