Your face is a jimmy john
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
