I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
