My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
