seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
