I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
