Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize