it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
