well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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