So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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