I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There's always time for handjobs
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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